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It has been 4 years since I last blog. I decided to start again... I've been through so much and still going through so much. The intensity has gone down but the truth is I am still leading my life with my wounded child despite all the Self-Heal work I've been diligently doing.

Instead of questioning myself and asking myself why I do I still feel wounded despite 15 years of Self-Help work, I am going to start credit and congratulate myself for each little baby steps through this blog of mine.

The Truth is I have been AMAZING! SO SUPERBLY AMAZING!!! To have gone through what I've gone through and is still going through. I remain as truthful as I am to myself. I feel what I feel. I do what I do. As much as possible, I don't deny the inner truth which is exploding in me. As much as I could, I listen to myself, I honour myself, I do whatever I could for myself. And I know for sure, I will be here for myself. I will never ever abandon myself. I just wish it could be made easier: less draining, less demanding, less deadly.

Well.. indeed.. after all these years of Self-Help work, I have come to know myself more and more. I could better make peace with myself. And because of that my struggle with my emotions has become less intensive. I see myself more... I hear myself more.. I feel myself more... My boundaries become clearer... I could speak out more: ask for what I need and what. I could stand up more for myself. I could accept myself more. I scold and criticise myself less... I forgive myself more quickly and easily. I also acknowledge, approve and appreciate myself more and more.

Yet there is still this part of me who feels small and easily victimised. Just one harsh word/tone or moodiness from my partner is enough to 'kill' me. I will either be thinking how to please him or how to avoid being hurt by him. Exactly how I react to my Mum and Dad at home!! The significant improvement I saw was I was able to voice out and stand up for myself. But still I was left feeling vulnerable, worthless, imperfect, needy and out of control. These 5 elements had been my lifetimes of bullets stuck in my system.

My counsellor explained to me: as a child I wasn't protected from the harshness. Thus even though I tried to cover it up by being a hero for my mum and helper for my friends, I remain a victim inside me. Being a Hero and Helper are just walls I build to make me feel safe. No wonder I feel sooo vulnerable when there is no or little human connection. I keep feeding on human connection, being closed to someone, being closed to a friend to feel safe and worthy. I am still not able to be with myself in a room full of people, feeling safe, okay and free.

I draw on others to feel safe. The needs for others is strong. Very strong. To the extent that if the person I message to didn't reply, I will feel it as rejection or even abandonment. I will keep checking my phone, thinking and contemplating why he or she hasn't replied: Is it because they wanna stop befriending me? Have I been too much for them? blah.. blah.. blah....

Co-dependent. A friend of mine pointed out to me I am a co-dependent. Yes I can definitely reasonate with it. And with just a word, I seem to be able to see through myself. What I've been struggling with suddenly make complete sense!!

My needs for others, for their approval, for their appreciation, for their acknowledgement.... for them to smile at me.. for them to be nice to me... for them to talk to me... for them to connect with me.. for them to approach me... I SOOOOO strongly depend on others for EVERYTHING!!!!

I've learnt to better fulfill my needs, yet I remain overly dependant on others. My child... my wounded child.. her self-esteem wasn't developed. Her sense of worthlessness needs to be fed at ALL time to feel worthy... to feel that she is a good enough human being as she is... with nothing to prove.That it is safe... it is completely safe to be who she is... to express herself openly and spontaneously.

I am not very sure how I am gonna exactly start from here. But I decided to start crediting and congratulating myself each little baby step of the way. Every little improvement means something. Every little shift means something. A step forward or backward means something. even sideways or upwards or even downwards even something.

My Journey of Self-Credit and Congratulations starts here and now :)


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